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The true alchemists do not change lead into gold they change the world into words
-William H. Gass
-William H. Gass
Hello again, and welcome back to week 7 of my blog posts. The focus of this post is to draw a connection to the 3 links below from The Wizard of OZ, and how they relate to my own narrative. In the legendary screenplay, adapted by beloved novels of the same name, protagonist Dorothy gets lost in a foreign world, and must go on a journey to find the answers she so desperately needs to return home. Much like this tale, I go on a journey of self discovery, and relize its me who holds the keys to the answers I look for. Being in a situation where I am not in alignment with my goals, I recognize my own value and own desires are all I need to ensure my happy life. Whether being stranded after a storm, or having to own up to your faults as hard as it may be, eventually we learn something valuable in the end from the experiences we go though. I for one received a life lesson, shaping me to become who I am today, and this posts shall highlight the links between Dorothys lessons and mine in my story.
Scenes interpretation (video-text performances) Wizard of Oz: If I Only Had The Brain, Heart, Nerve
Rationale My narrative allows me to travel in my brain, because it forces me to open a door I haven’t in a while, and experience the feelings all over again. Through this process, not only am I remember as I felt as I pour my heart out on the page, I am able to step back as a writer, especially years later with more knowledge, and experience the event in a new light. I am able to understand things about myself I didn’t then, and being tasked with having to write about it makes me dive even deeper, thus through this the lesson is even deeper. As I remember the old me at this moment, I travel in my heart, and as I write I can reimagine myself in the car, and how I felt, the uncertainty, the nervousness, I panicked out of my mind. I have struggled with anxiety in the past, so its interest to reflect on a moment as a child. There are also things and moments where I am like “damn, why did I have to wait so long to tell this person this? Or “god, that moment made me so feel awkward! Something I realized after writing this that comforted me for my life now is to know, even years later, I have similar moments, when I’m freaking out about something, but it's usually nothing. I can say to myself. Olivia, see, you anticipate something so terrible, but it's usually not as bad as it seems from a distance. Going into the nerve elements of meaningful storytelling, I think everyone has different definitions on what is meaningful to them. Something I think that affects readers, and just relating this to the wizard of oz, each character put their own meaning on what they wanted. They gave the things they wanted power. That's what set the stakes. Like for me, I I had a belief I would let my mom down, so I lied, but this was because I gave meaning to something more materialistic, or something that would give a better appearance of myself, if I played a sport like my mom. You can compare this to Dorothy wanting to go home, or the Tin man wanting a heart, they both set these stakes so high, without realizing all the incredible things they were doing together, and they all realized at the end through this journey, they determined their own stakes. So I believe with my story, after all the emotional hardship, the nerves were based on mistakes I made not recognizing my personal power or how my self worth was all that mattered in my moms eyes. What shapes our sense of identity is our environment at home, and the things we experience growing up, for better or worse. I believe the stories we tell ourselves about life events form our character more, because if something happens to us, at the end of the day, it's our perception that labels it good, bad, or whatever. I also strongly believe life events could have less of an effect on an individual's character, or outlook on life, if they became more empowered in the moment. I believe as humans, we use the past as a crutch to say, this is the reason the way I am. If we experience trauma or are wronged, instead of turning it into something positive, I think many become identified with it. We replay the story, and say, this is the box I am in, and if you are in a box labeled victim, you will therefore experience similar patterns, with the same unworthy people that will use you. For me, I think I have grown and matured over the years, but I have realized my personal power. Much like Dorothy, theres something waiting for all of us we just don’t see, that's yet to be discovered waiting in our very own backyard. You do not have to go to Oz to realize the magic is all around us everyday, and inside ready to burst at the seams. As Dorothy says it best in the end “There is no place like home”.
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Hello again, its me doing yet another in depth blog post for whoever wants to read! The theme this week is all about alternative endings. Specifically, we are gonna analyze a counterfactual, which is a “mental simulation” involving changing a ending to a certain life event. This allows us writers to better reflect and learn from the choices we make in everyday life. This connects to my personal Narrative (blog 5) as I will share how different choices I could of made might have changed my resolution for the worst, or better.
Blog Text-
My counterfactual Reimagining the summer camp conversation I had with my mom takes me in many different directions. I can’t pin down just one way I could change this event, due to the fact my mind loves to spin a situation, out of pure fun or exploration of myself. Yet, certain timelines are more likely than others knowing myself, and knowing from learned situations prior. So, to really look at this with depth, I first want to identify the two main causes and effects of the choices I had made. Looking at the positive side of my experience, I see it taught me important lessons. What caused the conflict was self doubt, I doubted what i wanted to please my mom, and the effect was I opened up to her. I learned it's better to be honest than to push a lie. A counterfactual is I could have kept this all to myself, put myself through camp only to please my mom. Now, in the real situation, the negative side of this experience is it may have prevented me from pushing myself to find out i’m very good or happy with playing this sport. I might have missed out on a really good experience that could have opened me up to a whole new world, and a world of experiences to incorporate in my writing. I wonder if I had gone to soccer camp, I would have made any friends. Considering it was an overnight camp, would I meet people who connected with me so deeply that we would still be in touch today. After all, not only the fact the girls had stayed with each other for over eight weeks, I wonder what the team mentality would be? My mom of course, she had told me being one a team in a sport is like a family. Its a different experience, I wonder how much depth I would have gotten if I had gone. Also, Maybe if I had just gone, faced my fears head I, would it be likely for me to discover any self worth. Self-worth in, doing bad, and then getting redemption. Or maybe past situations had corrupted any strengths or goals I had in sports. For example, towards the end of fifth grade, I had vivid memories of doing bad in sports. Yet the certain moments stuck in my mind were not the only moments I had with sports. I had actually done amazing volleyball and pretty good in field hockey, from what I remember now. It's weird how as people, we tend to let the few bad moments in our lifespan corrupt our egos confidence. On the other hand, maybe it would be a total disaster. Now, after i’ve gone to middle school, experience mean girls, uncomfortable moments, I can fairly say avoiding them, and distancing myself from them is what kept me from de-valuing myself. In other words, if there was a chance I would have to suffer bullying at camp, I believe that would have done way more harm than good. A teenager's self-esteem and value system at that age is dependent highly on social interactions, I have so much more self-esteem because I surrounded myself with people of similar interest. If I had went into the unknown for solely the reason of trying to impress my family again, I may not have put my heart into it. But this is just a extreme alternate ending. A ending in which I at that age, would feel defined by my failure. That could have led me down a path in which my value system had seriously been altered. But, re-imaging a more light-hearted ending, one thing I constantly ask myself when thinking over this time, was what if I just had told mom from the beginning “No, thanks. It's not for me.” Would that make a difference. Looking at it now, from where I am, it probably would have been the best thing to do, because there wouldn’t have been a problem in the first place, I would have spent my energy on something like film-photo, instead of creating non-existing stress in my head. This is something I think I will apply now to my life in the present. I just gotta remember to be honest with myself, I got to look around at reality, and not let the automatic thought systems, beliefs control my life. The focus of my blog post is to use The Proust Questionnaire to give people some insight and ideas about me, what I like, my perspective and my ambitions. I'm using the cite and assignment only as a way to bridge the gap between me and the classmates considering it gives the questions and I get to answer them. I also intend on describing and answering each question to the best of my ability, and keeping in mind that this is an assignment in our english class of Composition I.
Q&A __1.__What is your idea of perfect happiness? Inner peace, goals met. __2.__What is your greatest fear? I tend to get stage fright in certain situations, not chronically like many, but if I don't feel comfortable in a class or around a group of people, I might choke a bit. __3.__What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? -My relaxed attitude gets too relaxed, to the point I will let my self get so derailed and off track. I will be doing an assignment last minute or even after its due, all because my gut is like "everything will be ok". I think it's good not to stress yourself out over grades to the point all you really care about is getting an A, but I think I just need to push myself more. __4.__What is the trait you most deplore in others?-Ignorance. I think we all as human being tend to think we know everything, or, in other words, since we do things a certain way, we find it odd or strange if anyone believes in something different. In other words, when our values are challenged, people tend to get defensive, when in reality I believe life is about different perspectives. __5.__Which living person do you most admire? -I admire Steven Spielberg the most, because as one of the most celebrated movie directors of all time, I admire him and his filmmaking so much, especially considering I am an aspiring director/screenwriter. he really revolutionized movies in his day and had a impact on why the movie industry is the way it is today, and I think thats something to aspire to. __6.__What is your greatest extravagance? __7.__What is your current state of mind?-I am Very easy going, always been more relaxed, or you can say more of a optimistic sort of person __8.__What do you consider the most overrated virtue?-Money (Hard work brings success) __9.__On what occasion do you lie- I lie on occasions when I feel maybe its not that big of a deal, like a white lie. __10.__What do you most dislike about your appearance?-The only thing I dislike is my height. But I am generally not as concerned with my appearance as I am. I know everything can be worked on (with taking care of your self etc) and my height isn’t that big of a deal haha __11.__Which living person do you most despise? - I don’t really despise anyone. There are times when i get angry at someone, or maybe a group of people really, but despising only brings misery. But maybe I can’t remember the person I hate haha. __12.__What is the quality you most like in a man? -I would say their leadership roles. There are men who abuse their power, but there are men who stick up for those who can’t. Its them who I think are pretty cool and show how important it is to give a voice to people who don’t have one __13.__What is the quality you most like in a woman? -The emotional intelligence is so vital and we as women tend to, in my opinion be more creative. I believe it's a misconception to think being emotional is a weakness or not a real strength. The ability to be in touch with how we feel allows us to protect people from themselves when they are low. When I say creative, example could be the music industry, its women who have for time after time been the leading icons because. They can captivate and catch an audiences attention, because emotions are what a women knows how to use better than anyone. It's a woman's forte. Women help society grow from love. __15.__What or who is the greatest love of your life? -My passion for movies and entertainment. I just love how happy they make people, and me. they effect people, and society greatly. __16.__When and where were you happiest? -I think childhood brings the happiest memories for everyone, but I cannot pinpoint a exact point where I was happiest, Happiness comes and goes like waves get big and small. It happens all the time, not at once, at least for me. But a happy time was freshmen year when I got a tight group of friends. __17.__Which talent would you most like to have? -I wish I was a better dancer. When I see stars like Michael Jackson or online clips of youtube dance group it amazes me how they move. I’m pretty bad at dancing because i think i think too much when i do it. I would like to learn how. __18.__If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? I would be more organized if I could. If i was more organized, I could then be more identified with my goals, then I think I would be less lazy and more ambitious. _20._ If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? -Some type of sea create. Like a dolphin, or maybe a shark. I'm so fascinated by the ocean and how big it is. Intro- After reading and analyzing the text “a fable for the living”, by Kevin Brockmeier. I have realized an inner connection to my soul, or author self, and find myself trying to figure out what it is I indeed want. While the heartbreaking loss of a loved one is a game changer for one's life - although I have not crossed paths with obstacles, and hopefully never will, it still resonates with me. The piece grabs my attention particularly when the women in the story begins writing letters to her dead husband. The dark fact of feeling you were left with no closure, no explanation, no goodbye, and no control in your life when someone you loved was taken away from you. This is a very relatable theme in life I believe, because we as people just end up here on this planet one day, feeling like everything is out of our control. When we feel like we are at our lowest, many pray. A deep feeling of spiritual connection. This is a connection I have begun to realize within my author self in recent years, as I feel there is a part of me who writes the story(the good conscious) with a clear path planned for me, and is only derailed by the antagonist(my ego) the procrastinator. In the story, the woman goes on to write how she feels her partner abandons her after he dies, metaphorically describing it as if he sails off into the ocean on his own, initially when it was them who were planned to sail together. This taps a deep fear within myself, that I am unworthy to accomplish the goals I have set on the horizon. Hello Author self, -I would like to ask of you more motivation, direction, and more of a strong push in my dazed and relaxed state of mind. Metaphor- I almost fear sometimes I will leave my true self in the drive off into a new destination, a place populated by many others, the typical 9-5 job section of the city. This, instead of driving across the bridge over the deep blue oceans and the windy seas, fearing I fall off the bride and drown, knowing very well I hadn't tested the bridges yet, or even really looked for them. I fear if I choose going the expected route, I miss out what I always pondered, what awaits me on the other side of the world, a whole new city, with all new perspectives. I want to have a relationship with my author self like the womans and her finances before his tragic death. Sailing in the sea, I want to trust my author so I can know how to control the sails during the difficult storms, to the destinations I would so most like to experience with my own eyes, heart, and body. Not just in my imagination, from the foggy shore abroad the safer, duller coastline. My apology -I just wanted to say sorry for not making more important matters my priorities, and from not preventing myself from continuing to get sidetracked by unimportant matters.I own 100% of it, I'm the one who creates my life. I am still very optimistic, which is a good thing about me, but sometimes i let my optimism get the better judgment of me. It's time to break the habits, and get on track in a convenient way, which is so possible. I've got into a pattern where I just enjoy the repetition, the ego loves the repetition, what it knows, and it's a lie to think I have to stay in the same habits and expect a miracle to happen. I need to focus more on school work, and get more organized. If I get more efficient at making my work time a daily habit I enjoy more than stress. I won't face the same problems as before, and will be able to focus on my goals. I want you to know it was old thought patterns from the past that I had programmed in me to think of school work as negative, and stressful, I always did things last minute, and that became my experience with school. I know truly realize the problem is just the way I have been approaching the topic. It's just the false beliefs, it doesn;t have to ever be stressful, especially when I do them on time. The stress will be the first thing I can manage and eliminate. I Ask for forgiveness and a fresh beginning for us both. I can’t move on from my past mistakes if I can't learn to forgive myself and my old choices. What is important is to improve the future, and set the proper intention in order to do so. All I can do now is to be honest and true and ask for forgiveness and further guidance from you. Three-step plan -To recognize when i'm falling off track Learn ways to motivate me to do the hard work so it becomes natural, through positive associate techniques Repeat this process of focusing on my goals rather than short term wants Closing -As in the story the women goes on mourning her passed fiance, writing letters to fill a void, a void created by the sudden loss of a true outlet to her happiness and stability. As this woman questions where her future is going, I can feel a sense of relief I have my inner Author, I trust this side of me, and am thankful I get to speak my truth to it. I also have gained new respect to stay true to my desires, and treat my author self with more focus, as to read a piece about losing a dear piece of your heart can bring about gratefulness in one.
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Olivia DeSantis
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